Harry and Gemma: Afraid of the Drunk

Harry and Gemma lived on the edge of the 1890 Acre Wood in England. They lived in a small cottage on the fringe of Queen Victoria’s society. Harry spent his days playing pirates next to the spring that ran past their house and Gemma preferred to play with her homemade dolls. When they weren’t playing alone, they were being very, very naughty. Their father, Gordon, was a socially awkward man, and did not fit in with the other citizens of the village – in fact, he was the village idiot, who spent his money from his apple orchard as soon as he received his pay. He was very lucky to have even received a job with his track record of late – he had gone through six jobs in the past few months due to lewd behaviour. His first wife had unfortunately died due to a badly bruised apple incident which he refused to give comment on. He had remarried to Felicity Martin, who had been the governess of the village school, until she had married Gordon, whereupon she was legally unable to continue teaching. However, as a good stepmother to the children, she did attempt to instruct them on the finer points of English society. Being the very naughty children that they were, Harry and Gemma often got into trouble. If they were given tea, it would be thrown on Felicity. If they were given teacakes, it would be thrown on Felicity. If they were given potatoes, they would be thrown on Felicity; however the children soon learned that the bruises Felicity received from this latest form of torment were met with consequences.

As punishment for their disregard of table manners, Harry and Gemma were ordered to go and pick some berries from the 1890 Acre Wood, because the apple orchard had been doing very poorly under Gordon’s special watering techniques, which involved something that he regurgitated.

Harry and Gemma set off with baskets to be filled with blueberries. However, being the naughty children that they were, they decided to pick raspberries instead, since they were not in season. On their return home, they heard Felicity speaking to Gordon.

“These children are horrid, Gordon! Have you seen the bruises on my forehead from the potatoes they throw at me?”

“Throw spuds back at ‘em, woman!”

“I refuse to use capital punishment. Especially with ground vegetables!”

“Orright, woman, keep your hair on! I’ll talk to ‘em this evenin’.”

The naughty children trembled with fright at the thought of their father having to string coherent sentences together, and ran quickly back into the 1890 Acre Wood, throwing themselves into a tree hollow. Little did they know that this was no ordinary hollow, this in fact was the secret hideout of the evil elves. These elves were very disgruntled that Gemma and Harry had entered their sanctuary of mischief. They set out to capture the naughty children to cook them up for the Royal Feast, the King’s favourite was naughty children. However, the King was not used to such naughtiness, and found even the sight of Harry and Gemma made his tongue feel furry. He roared with such haughtiness that the children had never experienced before, making them quiver with excitement. They had never had dinner and a show! The King was taken aback by the children’s laughter, it was like poison to him!

He ran to the children and said to them, “Be still! You’re naughtiness is making my tongue furrier!”

They laughed even harder at the King’s furry tongue, and laughed even more when they spotted his ear where his belly button should have been.

The King, to get away from their naughtiness, jumped into a cauldron, he exploded into flames instantaneously. The other elves, seeing the children, said “You killed our King! You are our new leader! Here is some gold!”

The children, after ignoring their step mother, did not know what gold was and did not realise its monetary value. They ran away from the elves because they believed that gold was poison. After wandering about the wood for many more hours they came across their house, where they continued to be naughty until their stepmother perished in another unfortunate apple incident.

Harry and Gemma and their lewd father lived naughtily ever after... That is until they were accused of lewd behaviour...

THE END